My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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