I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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