Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
