What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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