Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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