Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
