i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
