At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Blood and glitter go together right?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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