I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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