he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
