I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I would ride that face into the sunset
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
