you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
