Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
