thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
