the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
