shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize