I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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