He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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