I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
