Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
