It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
