the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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