is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Randomize
