I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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