Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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