Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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