I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
