I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize