Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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