now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize