in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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