You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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