I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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