Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
