If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
