you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize