I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
