so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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