do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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