Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
