i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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