I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
