Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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