Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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