Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
where are my eyebrows?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
