Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
The beer is more important than you right now.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
