just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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