Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
