a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
