Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
