he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
