i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
