You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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