she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
