I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
