i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Text me some of your sweat
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