sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
