I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
