I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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