I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
