He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
