Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
