I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
