You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
wanna go halves on a baby?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
