I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
